What's Bothering Me Now

and other musings

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What’s Bothering Me Now: Cargo Shorts

It has been a while. A long while and I have no apologies because this little jewel of a blog doesn’t pay the bills. 

Let’s get bothered.

When I was in middle school, those awkward years between age 10 and 14, when we all make fashionably dumb decisions, something happened to my generation of males. They caught a terrible disease that covered their thighs completely. The rash and sores that this disease produced could not be exposed to sunlight but with the heat, it was unbearable to just wear pants. So Cargo Shorts were invented. At least this is the story I tell myself because it’s the only way I can accept that someone decided these would be a good idea, fashionably speaking. 

Cargo shorts just limply hang from the waist and brush against the knee. I would think that it would feel like having gnats constantly touching your legs and you would walk around looking like a psycho swatting yourself. And maybe the guys were, but I was just too distracted by trying to count all the pockets. 

Let’s discuss the defenses of cargo shorts:

1. My mom bought them.— Well my carpenter friend, go shopping with her and stop these things before they get out of hand. She is probably trying to keep your from dating pretty girls too because women know better than cargo shorts. 

2. I am a carpenter.— So was Jesus. He would rather wear a dress looking garment than cargo shorts. Level with me here. 

3. I need the extra storage.— For what? Are you housing a hamster in one pocket and compass and pocketknife and pens and pencils and erasers and a wallet with Velcro? Boy Scout, that’s why we have backpacks and brief cases. Get a real wallet sans Velcro and for the love of Ralph Lauren, you don’t need a compass or a pocket full of trail mix unless you’re backpacking in the woods…key word, backpack. 

4. They look good on me.— They don’t.

5. They are cost efficient.— Looking a 14 year old for the rest of your life is going to cost you so much more than a couple pairs of Dockers. Jobs, girlfriends, true friends, maybe even your life. I wouldn’t risk it.

6. I’m not really a fratty guy.— Of you’re not, but that’s not the point. The point is you look like a tool. All you need is a piercing and a tapped out tee and you’re well on your way to hair gel. I’m not asking you to get koozies and croakies and speak Bro. I’m asking you to consider a world where the only pockets you need are for your wallet and your hands. I’m asking you to consider looking like you just graduated from business school or with a philosophy degree instead of wood shop. And even carpenters have tool belts and boxes. 

You dress for your job, don’t let your dress be your job. You should be able to take off your job before re-entering the social world. Even the hipsters don’t wear cargo shorts. 

I’m also here to help: 

http://www.chubbiesshorts.com/

http://www.ralphlauren.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=1903929&cp=1760781&ab=ln_men_cs1_shorts (cargo = no go)

http://www.columbia.com/Men%E2%80%99s-Ultimate-ROC%E2%84%A2-Short/AM4541,default,pd.html

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/landingpages/chapsnew/forhim/chapsmens/bottoms/PRD~867673/Chaps+Microfiber+FlatFront+Shorts.jsp

THESE ARE QUALITY SHORTS. buy them and watch as your life changes. 

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Lately I’m obsessed with having a garden and, well, with 10 years of piano lessons under the belt, this just tugged on my heart’s strings. 

Lately I’m obsessed with having a garden and, well, with 10 years of piano lessons under the belt, this just tugged on my heart’s strings. 

(Source: liahfairy, via imgfave)

41 notes

Your Lifestyle Choices Have Consequences

oldtimefamilybaseball:

Derek Holland Sans Mustache: 1.2 IP, 8 H, 8 ER, 2 BB, 2 SO 

Freddie Freeman Augmented By Goggles: 3-for-5, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI, 2 R

Now, I’m not saying that having a mustache and wearing goggles would make you an unstoppable baseball machine, one that was just as comfortable blowing mid-90s heat by batters as you would be smashing giant taters, but I’m not not saying that either. 

Also, this is important for some reason: 

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Albert Pujols: a Follow-up

Since I graduated college, I don’t have the energy to write up my own collective thoughts on Pujols finally hitting a lack-luster home run, but I figure since someone else did, I’d share the link. So click away my darlings. 

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Albert Pujols

This guy. Apparently the Cardinals knew something that the rest of us didn’t. Maybe we all should have been a tad bit startled when the 2011 World Series Champs weren’t fighting to reclaim their prize. We probably should have been slightly agog when we noticed that Pujols was shipping out to a team like the Angles and not the Yankees who tend to pay a lot for a name. Basically we only have ourselves to blame for being the slightest bit surprised that Albert can’t seem to get the white thing off the wooden thing into the chair things.

He’s batting just under .200 which is almost pitcher-y, but he’s hopeful. No one else is. But he is. And I guess that’s great. He hasn’t won the favor of Los Angeles. St. Louis is basically being smug and otherwise irrelevant this season. Everyone else doesn’t really care at all so Pujols sucking is just kinda awful for LA because they’re stuck with him until 2022. He’s excited. He thinks they’ll love him eventually, and they may, but it’s not looking good. At this point, his first homer with be on Sports Center’s Top 10 and we’ll all be excited for like 10 minutes. But then we’ll get over it because it’s not that impressive that he finally found himself again. 

Maybe they’ll make a movie about it or at least produce some Tebow-esque inspirational segment on ESPN. 

Read more about the fallen Angel here.

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I love baseball...and I'm not sorry

This is about the championship ring for the St. Louis Cardinals. And as I am finally getting over the fact that the Braves basically handed them the opportunity to win it all, I am able to confidently say, I like the ring. I’d never wear it, but that’s mostly because it’s too huge for my delicate feminine hands and it seems a little high school to be wearing some athlete’s ring. but anyway, this ring is worth more than your house and it’s pretty. It also tells the story of the 2011 season for the Cards which was pretty incredible for them, while a bit of a tragedy for me and all of Atlanta. BUT they used to be all we had around here until the Braves’ arrival, so for old times’ sake, I can be supportive.