Tonight marks a significant night in my life. I’m thoroughly enjoying the company of my throw pillows and my one true friend, my iPhone. But I know that just one bookmarked tab over sits facebook. You know the feeling, that boyfriend/girlfriend that is bad for us and makes us do psychotic things but we just can’t get enough. So yes, Facebook, you can stand there and watch us burn, that’s okay, we like the way it hurts. 

Lately, I’ve been spending more time with Twitter because it’s funny and if it’s not I unfollow it and no one has to know. I also can skip over the dumb stuff pretty quickly. I don’t know how to have a functioning relationship with a human being anymore, but I do know how to avoid them. So I’ve decided that tonight is the night I fully explore the limited profile option on facebook. I’m praying it’s redemptive. So in order to weed out the dramatic little dandelions, I’ve created a little 4 point elimination process. 

Now some of  you are thinking that not letting some people see my status updates or my instagrams or even wall posts from other quality human beings seems a little over the top….dramatic even. Well yes, it is, but my sanity depends on it so I’m fighting fire with fire. It’s also delightfully passive aggressive. So without further ado….

1. Sharing. For the love of Ke$ha and all that is interesting, stop clicking share on every picture you see that has some teenage wisdom or political passive aggression or even Jesus stuff. Someone took a lot of company time on PowerPoint or Paint to make that little abomination and that should not be supported. Besides, they generally come from a place of hate. These things are not good for your brand my people. I’m not persecuting you because you’re Christian/Atheist; Democrat/Republican; Gay/Straight…I’m persecuting you by condemning you to just the cover photo because you’re annoying. 

2. Liking. Guys, Relatable Texts is not a thing we should be doing. I know we’re the people who somehow let Nickelback get famous, but we’re trying our damnedest to correct that situation. I’m doing it one status or tweet at a time but I can’t do it alone. Let’s make it a movement. Where was I? Oh yeah. Relatable is not a word. Spend some time with the dictionary…like a lot of time, and learn some stuff. Relate is a verb. That being said, “Texts from Jesus” are not real. He’s been communicating rather effectively through the Bible and burning plants. If it’s more than a word…and not a sports team, band or brand, please, ignore it. I’m pretty sure you would hate to know that you were helping a 13-year-old girl gain social media validation. 

3. Quoting. This can be done tastefully but no one knows how. You should be allowing two to three statuses a day. One is ideal, but life is random so we have to have a little leeway. But think of it like this, if it hasn’t made my work day a little more bearable, it’s not worth me seeing. So you’re probably going to be looking at three proffies in the near future. Remember to attribute your quotes to reputable sources and remember that ambiguity is not what we are about. The best way to get the attention you’re seeking is to call those Mo-Fo’s out. Tag them and put hateful things on their walls because that’s the stuff we’re coming on Facebook to see. I wanna see pictures of you vandalizing that bastards car and then pictures of you and your duck face in the back of a patrol car. 

4. Pictures. I love a good artsy picture. Give me autumn. Give me candid. I want to see you dance with your boyfriend and I want to see you with Epcot in the background. Let’s discuss what I do not want to see:*~*SeLfIeS*~*; Close-ups; kissing, boobs and straight faces. You are never fully dressed without a smile, but also clothes. And so. help. me. GOD! if I see the flash of your iPhone in the mirror.

If this method does not make me a little more optimistic about society, I’ll resort to using Facebook’s birthday reminders as a reminder to un-friend.  

So if you find you’re looking at a limited profile, re-evaluate your Facebook and life. Thank me later.

It has been a while. A long while and I have no apologies because this little jewel of a blog doesn’t pay the bills. 

Let’s get bothered.

When I was in middle school, those awkward years between age 10 and 14, when we all make fashionably dumb decisions, something happened to my generation of males. They caught a terrible disease that covered their thighs completely. The rash and sores that this disease produced could not be exposed to sunlight but with the heat, it was unbearable to just wear pants. So Cargo Shorts were invented. At least this is the story I tell myself because it’s the only way I can accept that someone decided these would be a good idea, fashionably speaking. 

Cargo shorts just limply hang from the waist and brush against the knee. I would think that it would feel like having gnats constantly touching your legs and you would walk around looking like a psycho swatting yourself. And maybe the guys were, but I was just too distracted by trying to count all the pockets. 

Let’s discuss the defenses of cargo shorts:

1. My mom bought them.— Well my carpenter friend, go shopping with her and stop these things before they get out of hand. She is probably trying to keep your from dating pretty girls too because women know better than cargo shorts. 

2. I am a carpenter.— So was Jesus. He would rather wear a dress looking garment than cargo shorts. Level with me here. 

3. I need the extra storage.— For what? Are you housing a hamster in one pocket and compass and pocketknife and pens and pencils and erasers and a wallet with Velcro? Boy Scout, that’s why we have backpacks and brief cases. Get a real wallet sans Velcro and for the love of Ralph Lauren, you don’t need a compass or a pocket full of trail mix unless you’re backpacking in the woods…key word, backpack. 

4. They look good on me.— They don’t.

5. They are cost efficient.— Looking a 14 year old for the rest of your life is going to cost you so much more than a couple pairs of Dockers. Jobs, girlfriends, true friends, maybe even your life. I wouldn’t risk it.

6. I’m not really a fratty guy.— Of you’re not, but that’s not the point. The point is you look like a tool. All you need is a piercing and a tapped out tee and you’re well on your way to hair gel. I’m not asking you to get koozies and croakies and speak Bro. I’m asking you to consider a world where the only pockets you need are for your wallet and your hands. I’m asking you to consider looking like you just graduated from business school or with a philosophy degree instead of wood shop. And even carpenters have tool belts and boxes. 

You dress for your job, don’t let your dress be your job. You should be able to take off your job before re-entering the social world. Even the hipsters don’t wear cargo shorts. 

I’m also here to help: 

http://www.chubbiesshorts.com/, 

http://www.ralphlauren.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=1903929&cp=1760781&ab=ln_men_cs1_shorts (cargo = no go)

http://www.columbia.com/Men%E2%80%99s-Ultimate-ROC%E2%84%A2-Short/AM4541,default,pd.html

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/landingpages/chapsnew/forhim/chapsmens/bottoms/PRD~867673/Chaps+Microfiber+FlatFront+Shorts.jsp

THESE ARE QUALITY SHORTS. buy them and watch as your life changes. 

oldtimefamilybaseball:

Derek Holland Sans Mustache: 1.2 IP, 8 H, 8 ER, 2 BB, 2 SO 

Freddie Freeman Augmented By Goggles: 3-for-5, 1 HR, 1 2B, 3 RBI, 2 R

Now, I’m not saying that having a mustache and wearing goggles would make you an unstoppable baseball machine, one that was just as comfortable blowing mid-90s heat by batters as you would be smashing giant taters, but I’m not not saying that either. 

Also, this is important for some reason: 

This guy. Apparently the Cardinals knew something that the rest of us didn’t. Maybe we all should have been a tad bit startled when the 2011 World Series Champs weren’t fighting to reclaim their prize. We probably should have been slightly agog when we noticed that Pujols was shipping out to a team like the Angles and not the Yankees who tend to pay a lot for a name. Basically we only have ourselves to blame for being the slightest bit surprised that Albert can’t seem to get the white thing off the wooden thing into the chair things.

He’s batting just under .200 which is almost pitcher-y, but he’s hopeful. No one else is. But he is. And I guess that’s great. He hasn’t won the favor of Los Angeles. St. Louis is basically being smug and otherwise irrelevant this season. Everyone else doesn’t really care at all so Pujols sucking is just kinda awful for LA because they’re stuck with him until 2022. He’s excited. He thinks they’ll love him eventually, and they may, but it’s not looking good. At this point, his first homer with be on Sports Center’s Top 10 and we’ll all be excited for like 10 minutes. But then we’ll get over it because it’s not that impressive that he finally found himself again. 

Maybe they’ll make a movie about it or at least produce some Tebow-esque inspirational segment on ESPN. 

Read more about the fallen Angel here.